The Art of Chaos

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks for me. I moved, I quit smoking, and I enrolled at a University. I have been busy from the time I wake up, until the minute I rest my head on the pillow….even though it’s not a guarantee that I will fall asleep as my mind continues to work, even though my body is DONE. Tonight is the first night I did not really have anything to do. Sure, I had things I COULD do… like laundry, cleaning, shopping, organizing and settling in from the “great big unpack”, but I found myself incredibly restless instead. I did not have the motivation to start yet another task. I have things that I want to do, like read a book or write something creative and wonderful, but even for those tasks I found I did not have the energy or presence of mind. I feel a little bit like a yoyo. I have been wound very tight, so tight now that my string won’t let loose for me to unwind. I feel it in my neck and shoulders; I feel it in the tension headaches. I have mentioned time and time again how I crave something simple, something routine. I thrive on structure. That’s not to say that spontaneity doesn’t have its place, but its routine in the routine that I desire. I want to have a set work schedule, I want to have a set schedule to study, I want to be able to sit and have a glass of wine or a cup of tea at the end of my day to relax and I want a friend to share it with. I feel like my days are running into each other with out a break in between. Even when I sleep, I don’t feel like I rest. I also feel like something is missing in my life, that there is a void. I don’t know what it is and so it’s hard to work towards filling it. I wonder if the chaos is a way for the subconscious to avoid facing something unpleasant or if the void is a direct result of the chaos and the unsettled feelings I have. I want the same things that every one wants. I want peace, contentment, happiness. I want to feel like my life fulfills a purpose. I want my life to be meaningful. I want to make a difference.